12 Traits Children of Divorce Often Develop as Adults, According to Psychologists
Divorce is a life-altering experience, especially for children. Although the statistic that “50% of marriages end in divorce” is widely recognized, the impact of parental separation on children can often go unaddressed. For those whose parents divorced during their childhood, the psychological effects can shape their personality, relationships, and emotional health in adulthood. Psychologists identify 12 key traits that are commonly seen in adults who grew up with divorced parents.
1. Trust Issues
Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and children of divorce often struggle with it in adulthood. “The uncertainty of whether a parent will be there for them can cause long-lasting trust issues,” says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist at the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. Adults with this background might find it challenging to trust their partners, fearing that people may eventually leave, as their parents did.
2. Fear of Abandonment
Along with trust issues comes a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. “The instability children experience from divorce often manifests as anxiety in adult relationships,” explains Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D. Adults whose parents separated may struggle with the idea of commitment, constantly worrying that their partner might leave, echoing the abandonment they felt during their childhood.
3. Hesitancy with Intimacy
A lack of trust and a fear of abandonment can lead to difficulty forming intimate relationships. “When a person is guarded, they might avoid getting close to others to protect themselves from being hurt,” says Dr. Goldman. This self-protection mechanism often makes it hard for these individuals to connect deeply with others, leading to one-dimensional and less fulfilling relationships.
4. Self-Blame and Doubt
Adults who grew up in divorced households may grapple with feelings of guilt, often questioning if they were somehow responsible for the breakdown of their parents’ marriage. Dr. Goldman observes that many children of divorce internalize the situation and struggle with self-worth, asking themselves, “Was I not lovable enough for my parents to stay together?”
5. Overanalyzing Relationships
Children of divorce tend to be hyper-aware of relationship dynamics due to their exposure to their parents’ struggles. “They might overthink and become anxious about subtle cues or tensions,” says Dr. Schiff. This hypervigilance can lead to constant analysis, making it difficult to enjoy healthy, easy-going relationships.
6. Negative Outlook on Relationships
A general sense of pessimism about relationships is common among adults whose parents divorced during childhood. “These individuals often anticipate that all relationships will eventually end,” explains Dr. Goldman. This negative outlook can affect both romantic and platonic relationships, leading to challenges in forming lasting bonds.
7. Having a “Type”
Psychologists note that children of divorce may develop a tendency to choose partners based on patterns they observed growing up. For instance, some may be drawn to people who are emotionally nurturing, hoping to fill the void left by their parents. Others may gravitate toward partners who are overly dependent, seeking security from a relationship they fear might end.
8. Nervousness About Becoming Parents
For children of divorced parents, the idea of parenthood can feel intimidating. “Many adults who grew up in divorced families worry about repeating the cycle,” says Dr. Goldman. These individuals may have doubts about their ability to be good parents, fearing that their own marriages might end in divorce and cause their children the same pain they experienced.
9. Strong Financial Management Skills
Growing up in a household where financial instability followed the divorce can have a positive long-term impact. “Early exposure to financial hardship often leads to better money management skills in adulthood,” explains Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. Children of divorce tend to be more cautious with finances, aware of how quickly a family’s financial security can shift.
10. Independence
Independence is a trait that many children of divorce develop early on. “They often learn not to rely on others because they see how easily their family structure can change,” Dr. Goldman says. While this trait can lead to self-sufficiency, it can also make it difficult to seek help or lean on others during challenging times, a potential downside to their self-reliance.
11. Empathy
Despite the challenges they face, many children of divorce develop heightened empathy. “Navigating emotional turmoil during their childhood helps these individuals develop emotional intelligence and empathy,” says Dr. Quimby. This ability to understand and share the feelings of others can be a significant strength in their personal and professional relationships.
12. Resilience
Perhaps one of the most profound traits of adults whose parents divorced is resilience. “Children of divorce learn to cope with significant change at a young age,” Dr. Goldman explains. These individuals often develop a strong sense of resilience, able to manage life’s challenges with a greater sense of self-efficacy. Their ability to self-soothe and problem-solve is a valuable skill that serves them well in adulthood.
How to Heal from Childhood Divorce as an Adult
While the traits developed by children of divorce can pose challenges, they are not insurmountable. Healing and personal growth are possible through therapy, self-reflection, and emotional support. Psychologists recommend addressing any unresolved emotional trauma from the past, whether through counseling, journaling, or mindfulness practices. Building healthy relationships, cultivating trust, and learning to embrace vulnerability are key steps toward breaking free from the negative patterns shaped by parental separation.
Conclusion
Growing up with divorced parents can leave a lasting impact on individuals, shaping everything from trust issues to financial habits and resilience. However, these traits, whether positive or challenging, are part of a larger journey of personal growth. By recognizing and addressing these patterns, adults whose parents divorced during childhood can heal, thrive, and create healthy, fulfilling relationships.